A woman has sparked a debate after revealing that she won’t be attending her best friend’s wedding. The reason she gave was “just because”.
In a recent post shared in Reddit forum “Am I the A**hole?,” a 31-year-old woman who goes by the username u/Thrwway79 described herself as a “hermit”, explaining that she only has “two friends ”, along with her family, both of whom she mainly talks with online. She noted that while she doesn’t get anxious in social situations, she doesn’t enjoy being around too many people for too long.
“I don’t have social anxiety or anything, but people drain me so much [that] I can barely function by the end of a workday,” she wrote. “Just extremely introverted, I guess. I don’t do social gatherings, and people who [have] met me know this.”
She recalled how one of her friends, who she referenced to as Friend01, got married last year. However, she “left before the reception even started” and the bride “thanked [her] for showing up at all”. The woman also said that after being at her brother’s wedding reception for “barely an hour”, he told her she was “free to go home” and that he was “surprised” that she stayed for so long.
However, the Reddit poster said that her “issue” with her another friend, who’s getting married next year, is that it will be a destination wedding. So, with that in mind, she told the bride-to-be that she’ll not be attending.
“I’d like to make this clear: there’s just no universe in which I’m flying six hours only to spend a full weekend socializing with people I don’t even know,” the post continued. “I told [my friend that] I will follow the ceremony online, and give them my present after they return. She got upset and is currently giving me the ‘I’m not mad I’m disappointed’ routine.”
The woman detailed that the bride was hurt because she felt like her best friend was “prioritising [her] own comfort over [her companion’s] feelings,” which the original poster (OP) agreed with.
“I told her she’s right, and that I will always put my comfort level above other people’s feelings,” she wrote. “Hence the number of friends I have, and that she knew this very well from the start.”
“Does that make me as***ty friend? Probably yes,” she added. “Was one of the first things I said to her [was] ‘we can be friends but don’t expect me to go to your wedding’? Also yes.”
As of 6 May, the Reddit post has more than 8,000 upvotes, with some readers in the comment coming to the bride’s defense and claiming that they understand why she was upset.
“I’m basically a hermit, too. So I get it,” one wrote. “But when you prioritize your personal comfort over a huge event in your friend’s life, you’re clearly communicating what your priorities are. You can’t expect that to not hurt peoples’ feelings.”
“It’s great that you’re honest and upfront about your comfort [more than] their feelings, but relationships cannot thrive like that,” another wrote. “They just simply cannot. If you’re OK with not having one or both of your friends eventually, then keep that hard-line prioritisation.”
On the other hand, some Reddit users understood the original poster’s perspective, as they applauded her for putting herself first and skipping the ceremony, since they thought that destination weddings can be a hassle.
“You’re right to always put yourself [first] and care for your family/friends in your way,” one wrote. “If [your friend] knows you, it will not even be an issue that you chose to not travel six hours to attend the wedding. It also looks like you’ve been very clear to [your friend] at the very beginning of your boundaries. You can express your care in another way!”
“Not everyone gets energy from socializing, and we don’t need therapy about it or to be told that we exist in the wrong way,” another wrote. “We could be just simply introverted, or we could be neurodivergent. Either way, leave us alone about it because we already go through enough about it.”
A third user said: “Choosing a destination wedding automatically means you have to accept some people not attending solely because of that.”
The Independent has reached out to u/Thrwway79 for comment.
George Holan is chief editor at Plainsmen Post and has articles published in many notable publications in the last decade.