The REAL end of year honours – from best anti-Tory rant to biggest royal embarassment – Brian Reade


Brian Reade picks his best and worst moments – and people – of 2022, and it’s not all bad as he gets to dishing out the REAL end-of-year honours…

Oprah Whingeys - Vomitfest from Harry and Kate
Oprah Whingeys – Vomitfest from Harry and Kate

It was a year of wild storms, resignations, sex and booze scandals and constant rows about masks and jabs.

But outside 10 Downing Street it wasn’t all bad. The vaccines kicked in and Donald Trump cleared off, as did a pair of irritating minor royals to California. England’s footballers reached their first major final since 1966 and teenager Emma Raducanu became the first Brit to win the US Tennis Open since 1968. The pubs re-opened and if you hated commuting you could carry on working from your bed.

Which is where you’re probably reading this now – so before I send you back to sleep let’s get on with dishing out the REAL end-of-year honours.

Best anti-Tory rant

Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary called them: “The least talented Cabinet in history. Most of them you wouldn’t give a job packing supermarket shelves.”

Conservative MP Johnny Mercer said being a Tory was like “working for a really sh*t company where everyone takes the p*ss out of you and everyone running the country hasn’t got a clue.”

Scum’s the word for Angela Rayner
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But Angela Rayner’s tirade was untouchable: “They’re a bunch of scum, homophobic, racist, misogynistic, absolute pile of…banana republic… Etonian…scum.”

Best laugh

The Three Bellends pub in New Brighton changed its name to The Two Helmets when one of the bellends, Dominic Cummings, was sacked. The world’s least impressive thespian Laurence Fox stood for London Mayor but took only 1.9% of the vote. A mere 0.9% more than a joke candidate called Count Binface.

They were rib-ticklers. But Andrew Neil launching GB News as an alternative to what he deemed the stale London luvvie media, then flouncing out after a few months like the worst luvvie drama queen because his channel was staler than a badly-lit week-old crust, was a side-splitter.

Biggest royal embarrassment

Charles was embroiled in a Cash for Honours probe, Andrew continued to dodge all questions and his deluded ex-wife Sarah Ferguson told us she was the most persecuted royal woman ever. A BBC documentary on Prince Philip’s life took sycophancy to new levels, when the only bad thing they could say was he used to get the kids to squirt mustard at the ceiling.

Whiner Sarah Ferguson
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But nothing could touch that interview from Oprah Winfrey’s garden when the couple who hate being Royals so much they demand to be called The Duke and Duchess of Sussex shafted the Queen with a vomitfest of self-pitying gibberish.

Best man

The marvellous Ricky Gervais attacked all the right targets, especially the New Year Honours: “There’s nurses and doctors working 14-hour shifts. Give the honours to them. Don’t give them to some celebrity ponce for putting on a wig and saying some lines they got paid millions for.”

Actor Michael Sheen took that theory on by returning his OBE so that he could speak freely about crimes committed by the British state.

Jimi Olubunmi-Adewole is a male to hail
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The marvellous Ricky Gervais
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But the winner was 20-year-old Jimi Olubunmi-Adewole who died after jumping into the River Thames to save a drowning woman. Yet due to the humongous outpouring of sympathy for the deceased 99-year-old Prince Philip his sacrifice received little attention.

Worst man

Tough call. Prince Andrew for spending all year sat in Windsor screaming at the servants when he should be helping the FBI with their inquiries?

Piers Corbyn for being the unacceptable public face of anti-vaxxer boneheads?

Pathetic Lee Anderson
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Bonehead Piers Corbyn
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Nick Clegg picking up a fortune doing the devil’s work for Mark Zuckerberg?

All were candidates, but the worst male specimen had to be Tory MP Lee Anderson who spent the summer telling us he was refusing to watch his “beloved England team” because they had the gall to stand up to racism by taking the knee.

Best woman

Honourable mentions to Rachael Blackmore, the first female jockey to win the Grand National, Kim Cattrall for avoiding the woeful Sex and the City remake and Dolly Parton for telling us she’d twice turned down the Presidential Medal of Freedom from Donald Trump. But the leading lady had to be writer Hilary Mantel for braving a media backlash by saying Margaret Thatcher deserves to “still be hated” – and that she’s thinking of emigrating as she’s ashamed to live in a country that elected Boris Johnson’s government.

Hilary Mantel with her book The Mirror and The Light
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Worst woman

Taking bronze is loopy Gwyneth Paltrow for telling us long Covid could be cured by “intuitive fasting, herbal cocktails and infrared saunas”. On the silver podium is Katie Price for putting her drink/drug driving shame to one side as she Instagrammed her way around Las Vegas on another champagne holiday.

Copy that, Lizz Truss
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But gold goes to Liz Truss who arranged countless statesmanlike photo-ops in the hope she would be called the new Iron Lady. Sadly for her, trade department officials had already given her the perfect nickname due to her copy and pasting deals already in place with the EU: “Ctrl C + Ctrl V.”

Best sight

In third place the people of Withington, Manchester, for turning out hours after Marcus Rashford’s mural had been vandalised by an alleged racist following his Euros penalty miss to show solidarity with their local hero. Runner-up is the expressions worn by Holly Willoughby and Phillip Schofield after Miriam Margolyes let out an enormous fart on the This Morning couch.

The sign at Wetherspoons
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But there was only one winner: This note displayed in one of Brexit fanatic Tim Martin’s Wetherspoons pubs: “We regret to inform you that we are out of stock of Carling, Coors and Bud Light. Due to supply issues.” Issues caused in no small part by Brexit. Pint of Karma please, chief.

Worst sight

Kim Kardashian’s Taliban tribute outfit at the New York Met Gala, Keir Starmer telling all Labour voters to hug the flag, English goons smashing their way into Wembley for the Euros final, every Verisure alarm advert, James Corden holding up traffic in LA dressed as a giant mouse, and Tony Blair sporting a haircut last seen on Dr Who’s William Hartnell in the Sixties.

Hancock and Gina Coladangelo
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Kim Kardashian attends The 2021 Met Gala
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All were worthy winners. But nothing could touch Health Secretary Matt Hancock groping aide Gina Coladangelo in his office like a lovesick 12-year-old when he was telling us all to follow social distancing rules.

Best quote

“You have no authority here, Jackie Weaver’’ shrieked in anger over Zoom by some misogynist parish councillor in Cheshire and “Jesus, Mary and Joseph and the wee donkey” uttered by Line Of Duty’s Ted Hastings were crackers that went viral.

Richard babbling at Susannah Reid over Begum
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But the winner, for it’s sheer Alan Partridgesque beauty, was Richard Madeley discussing the Shamima Begum case on GMB with Susanna Reid: “We had the Nuremberg trials after the war and we hanged a lot of Nazis but we didn’t go after Hitler Youth. As far as I’m aware. We only went after the adults. And that’s something to reflect on.”

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George Holan

George Holan is chief editor at Plainsmen Post and has articles published in many notable publications in the last decade.

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