If you thought Chitty Chitty Bang Bang was just a fantastical fictional adventure…think again.
A futuristic flying car, the AirCar, which transforms from a four-wheel drive to a plane in two minutes, has reportedly been given the green light to take off.
Yes folks, a flying car! Didn’t Ant McPartlin have one of those?
The Slovakian invention has passed all safety tests with flying colors and I only hope that it will work with jet propulsion like traditional aircraft.
After all, most new cars are now electric. Raise your hand if you fancy letting your battery die at 30,000 feet!
Oh, and don’t forget: the new Highway Code rules regarding cyclists will come into force next week.
So remember to leave a 1.5m gap if you overtake Elliot and ET…
In other aviation news, it was also reported this week that a British Airways 747 bought for £1 became the world’s first plane to be converted into a bar, and the BA Negus ‘party plane’ can now be chartered at Cotswolds Airport.
A party plane? Sounds like the British equivalent of Airforce One.
Since the start of the pandemic, Downing Street has seen more knees up than a hospital gynecology department.
Indeed, political pundits believe it is only a matter of time until the Conservative Party changes its name to the Conservative Work Event.
This week it was revealed that Boris Johnson, who, at the time of writing, is still clinging to power with his fingertips, enjoyed a surprise 56-year-old party in June 2020.
And as much as we all loved the jokes, when everyone started singing Happy Birthday he just thought they were washing their hands, now is the time to get serious and blow out the candles on your time as Prime Minister.
I heard BoJo was described as “cowardly” this week, but I think that’s unfair.
I’ll tell you what, if I had hair like that, I wouldn’t go anywhere NEAR 56 naked llamas.
The party only lasted 10 minutes, long enough for a game of Pin The Tail on Matt Hancock, but Dominic Cummings immediately hinted at more surprising revelations.
Whisper, but I heard that Downing Street threw another 43 birthday parties in 2020 as Boris threw one for each of his children.
Although I am officially a crazy old man, I am glad I was born in 1969 as that meant I was able to enjoy a pre-Covid 50th birthday party with my family in April 2019.
A year later, on my 51st, I was not allowed to celebrate with my mother and father-in-law due to strict lockdown regulations, and just a few months later, they both passed away.
If there is any justice in the world, Boris Johnson’s next birthday cake will have a metal file…
P.S. In the aftermath of the BYOB scandal, I wrote last week about other examples of a small group of flies.
And here’s an absolute cracker from Eddie Gilzean in Aberdeen.
At a wedding a few years ago, in a very expensive hotel, Eddie and Mrs G were joined at their table by two guests of the evening, a pleasant couple from Glasgow, who arrived with a beautifully wrapped gift.
A few moments later, the man punched a hole in the bottom of the gift to reveal the plastic spout of a wine crate…
oh oh sky
A cinema in Manchester now lets dogs through the doors on Mondays, but what movies might attract pooches?
Well, with Brad Pitbull and Spaniel Day Lewis in the “leading” roles, I might suggest…
The Golden Retriever Man, For a Fistful of Necklaces, The Bitches of Eastwick, The Hunt for the Red Setter, Husky Galore, Piddler on the Woof, Litter to Brezhnev, There’s No Business Like Schnorbitzness, Monty Python and The Holy Growl, How The Westie Won, Schnauzer List, Canine Week and a Half, Barks at the Future, Where Dare Beagles, and Whatever Happened to Rabies, Jane?
Oh, and a note to all you movie ushers with a torch: please be on the lookout for any kind of crappy close encounters…
P.S. Sticking with the movies, good luck to Idris Elba, widely considered to become the first black James Bond; you will certainly need it.
Within five minutes of his debut, I predict the police will stop 007 to explain where he got the Aston Martin…
Similarity of the week?
How about prominent Scottish football commentator Derek Rae and Grandpa Munster? Mysterious!!!
better not see
In a new series of nonsense called Celebrity Help! My House Is Haunted, George Best’s ex-wife claims the football legend’s ghost haunts their home.
Ironic, really, since this is the place where George used to make the spirits disappear…
Anyway folks, in episode two, I understand it’s stated that George’s ghost has also given a couple of Miss Worlds goosebumps.
P.S. I once had a drink in a haunted pub. Sure enough, my pint of beer was headless.
wacky wacky world
I see Wayne Rooney selling caricatures of himself for £40. So get ready for a copyright issue with the creators of Shrek.
Apparently one of Wayne’s drawings was copied last week with Maw Broon.
Sticking with football, the only upset in last week’s Scottish Cup fourth round involved Kelty Hearts. They needed extra time to beat St. Johnstone.
Cosgrove, my mucker from Off The Ball, rushed out of the Glasgow studio at 2pm to drive to Fife and was faced with a dilemma: Kincardine Bridge or Queensferry Crossing?
Which one did you stop at on the way home?
fear of burns
Burns Night on Tuesday sparked a huge debate about the best way to cook a haggis.
And that’s because prominent Scottish chef and restaurateur Nick Nairn (the man who asked “who needs a Michelin star when you’ve been reviewed by the Michelin Man?” when I walked into his old Glasgow venue some 20 years ago) insisted in which our dish is best made (SURPRISED!) in the microwave.
Popular methods include: poached in a pot of water, roasted in the oven, or sliced and fried in a pan.
Me? Call me old-fashioned, but I like to toast haggis…
● Geordies are reported to be better prepared for an apocalypse with one in five stockpiling supplies and building bunkers.
Wait a minute… the same Geordies who don’t wear coats? They’re not even ready for winter!
Mind you, I think the Geordies would do better since, before and after Armageddon, the local area would look more or less the same…
● After all the other kids at school called her Flatpack, a teenage girl at a Norwich school changed her name from Ikea.
poor soul She must have been in pieces…
My favorite funny photos of the week.
“Wait, Jack…the council is on its way.”
What a great special offer at Costcutter!
Surely it’s time to give Lorraine Kelly some space later when her guests show up in their pajamas.
The pandemic has clearly taken a toll on our politicians.
It didn’t take long for sacked Watford manager Claudio Ranieri to find a new job!
text jokes of the week
● The police decided to investigate the Downing Street parties as it was getting too big for Sue Gray to sweep under the rug alone.
● A couple of classmates had a joint party for Chinese New Year and Burn Night and called it Chinese Burn Night. I didn’t want to go, but they twisted my arm…
● Due to changes in the Highway Code to protect cyclists, I now stop at green traffic lights so as not to run over one of them by going directly through a red light on the other side.
● This new rowing machine works great. Ever since I bought it, we haven’t stopped arguing about how much I spent and when it’s going to go.
in the loft
● My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet. Sure enough, it made Joe bow, Joe bow, Joe bow, Joe bow…
● Fun fact: If you drink wine fast enough, your Fitbit thinks you’re running.
● My wife asked for chocolate and a “surprise” for her birthday. You should have seen his face when he unwrapped his Kinder Egg.
● I just bought a new pan that is guaranteed non-stick for five years. And how do I know this? It has a sticker that says exactly that.
● For our 20th wedding anniversary, my wife asked me if I would like to go on a second honeymoon. Great idea, I thought, so I divorced her and married my girlfriend.
● If you spill red wine on the carpet, a good tip is to get some white wine and drink it until you don’t care anymore.
● There’s a new movie about a HGV driver who constantly cleans and polishes his truck. I haven’t seen it yet, but the trailer looks amazing.
Nearly 2,000 hamsters had to be euthanized after a Covid outbreak at a pet store in Hong Kong.
So, it’s time to dust off an all-time favorite gag.
The owner had a fur coat converted for his wife and when they went to the fairgrounds this week, it took three hours to get her off the big wheel…
East Ayrshire reportedly has the best value homes in the UK. I’ll say. My partner recently purchased a four bedroom apartment in Cumnock of Poundland.
George Holan is chief editor at Plainsmen Post and has articles published in many notable publications in the last decade.