On Wednesday night, a government minister demanded to know: “How did a boy from Iraq end up on these shores, without a word of English at the age of 9, and become the Secretary of State for Education?”
In a rotten and unreasonable country, such a question would lead to unfounded claims that this Education Secretary must be a terrorist-in-waiting who had “gamed the system” with “activist lawyers”, to claim benefits and get a free house.
But because Britain is a beautiful and enlightened place, that boy is now a 54-year-old millionaire, who co-founded a firm employing 1,000 people, owns a £100m property empire, and despite attending the Cenotaph several times alongside the Royal Family has so far not blown any of them up.
Which is why Nadhim Zahawi, who had asked the question about himself, answered it by saying: “This is the greatest country in the world, my friends!”
And so it is that a government packed with refugees and the children of refugees, led by an immigrant Prime Minister, and with its borders controlled by a woman born in Watford whose parents were Asian by way of Africa, has made Britain irresistible to not many migrants.
First there’s the lovely boat trip, which takes a rapid 10-hour tour through the world’s busiest shipping lane, with sightseers perched on comfortable semi-inflated plastic and lashed with welcoming cold salt water.
The engine may or may not fail, there may or may not be life jackets, but it’s a pleasant day trip for which you and your fellow passengers will be required to pay terrifying criminals a mere £200,000 or so, and as a bonus you can find out whether hypothermia is a myth.
Halfway across, any passing sea captain with a moral compass may shepherd you to shore, or you could be picked up by the coastguard, Border Force, or RNLI. There will be a lovely foil blanket which is yours to keep, and immediate detention.
Migrants who prefer to avoid the bureaucracy can just wander aimlessly away from the beach, where the other end of the people trafficking operation will be waiting to take them to a life of slavery, prostitution, or other well-worn career path. In the case of children, they’ll be warmly welcomed by the sex trade.
But if you stick with the officials, you’ll be fed a lukewarm pizza or chicken kebab, by way of introduction to the great British culinary tradition of making foreign food magnificently worse.
The government will pay £20 for each kebab, because it’s only taxpayers’ money, and you will subsequently be expected to feed yourself with a sweet, sweet handout of £5.66 a day, which will also provide you with shoes, clothing, soap, toothpaste, and anything else you need.
This is to teach you ‘budgeting’, and is a figure agreed by people who think that £81,321 a year is somewhere below the poverty line, and £37bn to not track or trace is good value for money.
AFP via Getty Images)
Once ashore, dry, and fed, you’ll be interrogated, and given a free coach trip to the other end of the country where you can learn more about a nation which sold off most of its social housing stock for votes 30 years ago, and is therefore forced to put you up in a hotel its taxpayers will, again, be paying through the nose for, because they value you so highly.
Others may be given the chance of a close inspection of the coronavirus safety measures and hygienic living conditions completely absent in an abandoned barracks that is unfit for human habitation. In either case, the chances are you’ll be able to witness crime, mental illness, sexual violence and, if you’re lucky, develop some post-traumatic stress all of your own.
You can then expect a long holiday lasting anything up to 3 years while an asylum application is processed, during which we insist you not lift a finger to do any work, in case you accidentally end up paying some tax, or paying for your own accommodation.
It is much preferred those waiting for the right to remain enter the shadow economy where we can’t take taxes from them, and hopefully mimic major global corporations by sending their profits offshore.
You won’t be asked to leave, because this government has taken back control of its borders by giving up the right to deport migrants to their point of entry into the EU, with the ever-popular Brexit that so many people who dislike migrants voted for.
We know that most people who come on small not-much-of-a-boats will claim asylum, and that the majority of these claims are approved because they come from countries not as great as the UK. That’s why we treat people we find on these boats so kindly, and ask them to repeat their claims several times and really drag out the process.
After a year, some may be able to undertake lucrative work in the volunteering sector, or one of the jobs on the Home Office Shortage Occupation List which generally require professional qualifications they have little chance of possessing, and even less chance of having any proof of.
While they await their decision, migrants will be able to enjoy headlines, politicians and idiots demonising them as a sub-human flood of no Earthly use to Britain; forced to wrestle a bureaucratic system which defeats most native English speakers; and subjected to rising levels of hate crime from people who hear the news but don’t question it.
And with luck, after a long time living on less per day then is expended on a stray in Battersea Dogs’ Home, they will be granted leave to remain, at which point they’ll be made homeless. After another 5 years they can apply for permanent residence, and perhaps at some point earn enough money that they are invited to become a Tory MP and campaign against the unimpeded, asylum-merry-go-round of immigration which is all the fault of the French, who are doing exactly what the Tories would if the situation were reversed.
We need the Tories to be loud about this, because we have an immigration crisis. Last year immigration dropped 84% and there’s not enough people to do all the jobs, although a lot of Tories are helping out by doing 2 or 3 each.
UK asylum claims, as a proportion of population, are also half that of EU nations, which means we’re really struggling to attract the right continent-crossing, entrepreneurial talent.
That’s why Priti Patel has spent 2 years not speeding up the asylum process, not raising housing standards or cutting costs, failing to reform the right to work, or remove criminal gangs from the process by laying on boats of her own, which would mean migrants don’t die, children are safe, and they all arrive with £3,000 each in their pockets with which to establish themselves.
It’s also why, 5 years after the Brexit vote, Boris Johnson hasn’t bothered to get a deal with anyone to send migrants back whence they came. After all, if we did that, he’d have to live in the same country as Jennifer Arcuri.
If the Tories didn’t shout, quite so often, about how bad immigration is, then we might stop and ask ourselves why people who are thousands of miles away from Priti Patel still think this is the greatest country in the world.
“Is it any wonder they risk their lives to get here?” bawls the Daily Wail.
Yes. Yes it is.